Why choose recovery?
Dear darling people, trying to find the strength to choose recovery. I'm so proud of you for clicking this link and beginning your journey! I just want you to know that you are loved, you are beautiful and you can do this.
Recovery may feel like a world away right now. You've forgotten how to eat 'normally' like you used to and perhaps you don't know who you are without your eating disorder.
Mental illnesses have this sick tendency to befriend you. You're essentially in a toxic relationship with yourself! It comforts you and pretends to help you, but in reality it bullies and manipulates you to maintain control over you.
I know it's hard to see clearly right now and you feel safe and loved by your ED, but it doesn't love you. You don't have to live like this. There is a whole world out there just waiting for you.
The biggest thing I have gained from recovery is self-discovery. I didn't know who I was without anorexia. I had outgrown pre-anorexic Emmanuelle, so the next step was a blank canvas. I didn't want to be the girl that skipped parties and girl-time to workout, I didn't want to be the girl that chose a starter rather than the cheesy burger she wanted, I didn't want to be the girl who sat on her own to eat lunch, I didn't want to be the girl that cried herself to sleep hungry. I didn't want to be the girl that checked her body in the mirror every second of the day.
I discovered I could be any version of me I wanted. I discovered new things that I liked. I went on Pinterest a lot and wrote down the type of person I wanted to be. I made new friends. I made time for more. I found myself by simply existing without the restrains of my ED. I'm so grateful for that experience because I know a lot of people (with and without ED's) are still finding themselves.
You will learn so much on this journey about the world too. It made me grateful for every single day and it made me far more kinder and empathetic. I learnt that anyone could be suffering mentally so you shouldn't judge too quickly. I realised that the diet and beauty industry was a fucked up money making scheme.
I realised that there was never anything wrong with my body, it was other people that told me it was wrong. We weren't born hating our bodies, we learn to hate our bodies. How messed up is that? Whenever I think about this - I think about our Earth. I think about how truly magical it is that we exist and I think about all the wonderful things Mother Nature has given us, and it makes me so angry that a world so beautiful has become so corrupt.
You should feel angry. You should feel angry that you have spent your days worrying so much about how your body looks when you could have been doing something amazing. But you will not direct that anger at yourself, honey you didn't know any better. Instead, channel it towards diet culture and anyone that tells you you're not worthy.
No matter what the world has told you, you are worthy no matter what your body looks like. When you choose recovery, you are giving yourself permission to live unapologetically.
Repeat after me:
I don't have to mould my body into something new for someone else
I don't have to change my body to be worthy of love
I don't have to feel guilty for eating
I don't have to exercise if I don't want to
I am allowed to make my own choices about my body
I don't have to live by diet culture rules
My body isn't an ornament to be desired or admired by others
I will be kinder to my body because it loves me
Think about your dreams and motivations for recovery. Why do you want to beat your eating disorder? I wanted to re-blossom into someone new, someone happier and someone free. I wanted to have more time and energy for things that I loved. I wanted to spend time with my friends and family without counting calories or making time for a workout. I wanted to concentrate in class for longer. I wanted to make spontaneous plans. I wanted to go university ready to live independently. I wanted to celebrate with chocolate and champagne and enjoy the food I had denied myself. I wanted to exist without the burden of hating my body.
I don't think anyone ever feels ready for recovery or chooses it and just does it. It's a battle. Some days you won't win but thats ok, because you'll carry on tomorrow. Day by day, you will recover.
The scariest thing for me, and probably a lot of you, was putting on weight. But recovery will teach you to welcome weight gain, because no matter what you think, you will still have good and bad days no matter what you weigh because your happiness has nothing to do with your weight.
There are so many positives that come with weight gain! It will actually make you feel liberated by overcoming your fears. You can enjoy food without worrying or compensating. You don't have to feel under pressure to live up to any version of yourself and most importantly for me, I stopped focusing on numbers because it was SO damn draining!
From the moment I chose recovery I stopped weighing myself. It wasn't important. I wanted to focus on how I felt. Choose clothes that fit nicely and make you happy, no matter the number on the label. Choose the food you want without looking at the calorie intake or grams of fat in it. Put your kitchen and bathroom scales away (unless you're baking of course). It's draining and it's pointless!
There is more to life than your weight, and a life with an eating disorder is no life at all.
Choose recovery for your sisters, friends, mothers, the woman you want to be and the woman you want your daughter to be. Choose recovery.
I promise you, there is a world out there that does not involve feeling guilty, restricting yourself, bingeing, hating your body or exercising to change your body. Only you have the power to set yourself - and you are worthy of a life rid of these things.
I have to admit, it took me a long time to get to this point but recovery IS possible and I was so damm happy to eat this delicious cake and I wish every single one of you this peace too. Please feel free to message me anytime you need! x